Transcript of the Call Between Trump and Putin
Aiming for a ceasefire in Ukraine - but at what cost? How the telephone call may have been . . .
The Scene: The hotline phones between Washington and Moscow
The Protagonists: President Validimir Putin and President Donald Trump
Not Invited: President Voldymyr Zelenskyy
The Plot: Peace in Ukraine
Sub-plot: A Piece of Ukraine
The Twist: What’s in it for us?
The Set-up: A few days ago, the presidents of two of the most powerful nations on earth, spoke by telephone for over an hour.
Here is an imagined transcript of that call:
Putin: Is that his most excellency the president of the mostly United States? [Thinks: sarcasm]
Trump: Yes sir, Mr. President. Present and correct, all 50 states.
Putin: Give me a call when you are up to 53, after you have added Canada, Greenland and Panama.
Trump: You’ll be the first to know.
Putin: Of course I’ll be the first to know. I have plenty of people who can tell me that before you call. Or even know yourself.
Trump: Erm . . .
Putin: What do you want to talk to me about Don? I’m a bit busy with a war, I mean, special military operation. [Thinks: I call him Don; he is a mafia boss after all]
Trump Well, sir, Elon wants to save a lot of US dollars by closing the military and withdrawing our support for a place called, err, YouCrane.
Putin: Your support for that area, part of Russia as you know, is reprehensible.
Trump: Sorry sir. I can stop, but I need your help to make it worthwhile.
Putin: Worthwhile Don?
Trump I’m a wheeler-dealer Valdimir .. .
Putin: It’s SIR!
Trump: Sorry, sir. I’m a wheeler-dealer, sir, and I can see an opportunity for us both to profit from a ceasefire, or even stopping the war all together.
Putin: Profit is a capitalist abomination and I spit on your private Moscow bank account.
Trump: How about some land? The parts you have invaded, err, I mean, rightly repatriated to Russia.
Putin: Go on.
Trump: You keep your land and I personally, err, I mean, the United States take the minerals that the little man there, what’s his name, you know, said we could have?
Putin: You’ll export lots those minerals to Russia at a low price and no tariffs, yes?
Trump: I love tariffs, lots of tariffs, makes me lots of money. I love tariffs. Big tariffs.
Putin: We are not paying you tariffs Don.
Trump: OK, OK, no tariffs. But I need some more to make this work.
Putin: You want some more, Oliver Twist, err, I mean Don?
Trump: Just a little itty-bitty nuclear power plant. Just the one. You’ll hardly notice.
Putin: Well . . . I suppose we could let you have that, if you promise to withdraw all other support, leave NATO, stop the Muskrat satellite internet and do everything else I tell you.
Trump: Yes, sir, of course. Of course. Do we have a deal?
Putin: I still want to bomb the heck out of the rest of the country until they capitulate and become fully part of Russia again.
Trump: Yes, yes, but can you stop bombing the mineral fields and the tiny insignificant nuclear plant? Those are our spoils. We need spoils. Spoils are goodly.
Putin: Well . . . .
Trump: Please sir. Pretty please.
Putin: Oh, all right. Let’s set up our people and your people to pretend to negotiate a peace, which we both secretly know won’t happen.
Trump: Yes, that’s good. Do you want to come to Washington? Mar-a-Logo?
Putin: [Thinks: And be arrested for war crimes?] No, we should meet in a neutral and completely trustworthy country. Saudi Arabia.
Trump: Good choice. Should we include Zeley. . . Zlens. . . you, know, what’s-his-name?
Putin: No, we can stitch it all up without needing him. Now, I’m busy, so run along and play. [CLICK!]
Trump: Yes sir, of course. Goodb.. oh, he’s gone. [Thinks: I’m such a great dealmaker - I won bigly there]
Putin: [Thinks: What an idiot!]
While the exact text of the call between Trump and Putin is unlikely to see the light of day, the fiction in this version may be closer to the truth that we might like to think.